Is Parenting Right for You?


A lot of people* tell me that I should write a book about parenting. Why this is, I’m not sure, because all I really do is complain about it.

Parenting is exhausting.

I have four kids, two from my first marriage and two from my second. Two boys, two girls, so I’ve seen pretty much everything at least twice.

I got my vasectomy after my second biological child because I wanted to end my life with at least a little sanity. I enjoyed the experience so much that I wrote a book about it.

However, my subsequent divorce and second marriage to a woman with her own kids wiped all the benefits of my snipping off the map.

Like Jeff Goldblum says in Jurassic Park, “Nature will find a way.”

So, if you’re reading this, you are either (a) thinking about becoming a parent or (b) are questioning your parenthood or maybe (c) I’ve Tweeted the link to this story so often that you were, like, Oh my god fine I’ll read the stupid thing just leave me alone.

Before I start, I need to preface this with the fact that I love my kids. I love being a dad. If you think you’ve got it in you to dedicate your entire self to the health and well-being of a smaller version of you, and can provide that smaller version of you an environment where he or she will thrive and live and love, then do it.

It’s a ridiculous amount of work for a neverending, 24×7 job, but it’s truly effing awesome if you can get it right.

That said, here’s my list.

Your mileage may vary.

Parenting may be right for you if :

  • You hate sleeping
  • You enjoy talking to yourself
  • You think that involuntary facial tics are great
  • You enjoy arguments about: eating, brushing teeth, waking up, going to sleep, socks
  • Nothing makes you happier than finding empty boxes of snacks or cereal put back in the cabinets
  • You loved your job working in a Complaints Department
  • You want long weekends to feel a lot longer, as in “I can’t wait to go back to work”
  • You believe that picking up empty straw wrappers counts as cardio
  • You enjoy solving mysteries, like, “What am I stepping in?” or “Who clogged the toilet with gummy bears?”
  • A favorite pastime for you is turning laundry right-side-out
  • You don’t mind using tissues as emergency toilet paper because the roll is empty again
  • You enjoy spending half your time at a restaurant picking up crayons from under the table
  • You believe that pencils and tape should be impossible to find in your house at any given moment
  • You are okay with changing the diapers of a baby
  • You are okay with cleaning the pee off the floor from an adolescent
  • You love asking questions like:
  1. Who put a rock in the refrigerator?
  2. Why is there toothpaste on the ceiling?
  3. Whose socks are on the table?
  4. Can you please go take a shower?
  5. Can you please get out of the shower?
  • You enjoy the challenge of re-learning math in a completely different way that involves drawing hieroglyphs and charts and omg why is it this way now
  • You believe that every television show or movie you try to watch should be interrupted 15 times with stories about a video game or YouTuber
  • You hate hot coffee
  • You think that sitting down for more than five minutes is overrated
  • You enjoy teaching people how to drive and also don’t have a fear of death
  • You believe that money isn’t the key to happiness, which is good because you are now broke after spending most of it on Disney World tickets
  • You don’t mind being asked to coach your child’s soccer team for the next seven years because no one else will do it, even though your knowledge of soccer has come solely from episodes of Ted Lasso
  • You believe that yelling can be therapeutic

There you go.

It’s a short list, but I thought I hit on some of the major topics. Most of these are from personal experience. As I said, I’ve been a dad for over two decades to four kids at this point. There isn’t much I haven’t seen or done.

Actually, hold up, I missed a couple:

  • You like hugs from people who love you
  • You love making people who depend on you ridiculously happy
  • You get satisfaction from looking back on memories and life-changing experiences
  • You can recover from times where you think you’ve really messed things up and aren’t afraid to admit it
  • You like to boast and brag and preen be genuinely proud in the people you’ve raised
  • You enjoy saying things like, “I love you,” and “I’m proud of you” and mean it every single time

Okay. Now I’m done.

Previously Published on medium

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