#1I have a very quiet super studious girl in my rowdiest class full of athletes. She keeps to herself, gets her work done and is generally my favorite kid ever. One day, the athletes were exceptionally horrible and I happened to walk by her as she muttered to herself "God your moms should have all swallowed"
I snorted coffee out of my nose. No one else heard. She was mortified that I heard her.
Image credits: SomeQuiltyGardener
#2After telling a student he needed to sit down and do his work, he replied “it’s hard to work with all these children around.”
Image credits: TXcacher
#3I’m a 7th grade SS teacher, one class I had to explain what a swine herder was. A student in the back called out “Does that mean a person with chickens is a… chicken tender?”
Image credits: Cave_Regina
#4I have two:
1. An 8th grader asked me if a skank was the female version of a skunk
2. Two boys were arguing and one told the other that he looked like a gummy bear. After getting them to knock it off I realized that he does, in fact, look like a gummy bear
Image credits: lolo_bear
#5My class is prepping for a play, and one student was super pumped to do the sound design. He came up to me with his chromebook and airpods and said, "Here, listen to this sound effect, I think it would be perfect," so I put in the airpod and heard......
Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up."
The kid Rick-Rolled me.
#6I had an ELL class reading a simplified version of Romeo and Juliet, and I was reading the stage directions.
I read the direction, “They kiss. They kiss again.”
A 15 year old girl yells, “WHAT THE HELL KIND OF BOOK IS THIS?!?!”
Image credits: bluenova32
#7“Do I look handsome today? I’m wearing my dinosaur underwear!”
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#87th grader: but he's the one who started it.
Me: well it takes two to tango.
7th grader: but it only takes one to break dance
Student then begins break dancing.
Image credits: el_goyo_rojo
#9My fourth grader comes up and says he needs to tell me something, but wants to do it quietly, looking all serious. He comes to whisper in my ear, and simply says, "No one out pizzas the hut."
#10Yesterday at the bake sale fundraiser my friend picked out an ugly looking cupcake and says "she's not the prettiest girl at the dance but she'll do".
The most innocent student in the world replies "as long as she tastes good". The kid had no idea what she had said. Closest I've ever come to legitimately choking on food in my life.
#11“Sometimes I fart when I run and it helps me go faster!”
#12So far my favorite is when, early in the semester, I told students that we would be learning Latin dances (spanish teacher.) turns out a student misheard me, so after a month or so of classes while we have down time this one girl just blurts out “ so when are you going to teach us how to lap dance?”
#13I got so owned by my 4yr old pre k student..
Child-what’s your name
Child- what’s this (pointing at nose)
Child- (holding up hands) what am I holding
Child- ha ha Miss Stephanie knows nothing.
I look at the other teacher and she’s busted out laughing. I stood there in shock because he flawlessly executed the joke.
#14I was once teaching a lesson about horseshoe crabs (environmental ed) and mentioned they lay 100,000 eggs a season. And a boy in the back goes “dayummm that’s a lot of child support.”
I couldn’t help it. Had to laugh.
Image credits: leigh1003
#15All the time.
The other day I (a clumsy person) knocked my water bottle over and spilled it all behind my desk. Immediately I just start going “everything’s fine! Everything’s fine!”
A 2nd grade boy somberly said “Everything was not fine.”
Image credits: BewBewsBoutique
#16I’m a band director, and I was explaining to my beginner brass class the need to support their sound. I told them to think of squeezing their stomachs and I had a student say, “I have IBS so is it safe for me to do this?”
Image credits: sing_Argent_Aria
#17One of my students who REALLY needs his ADHD medication wasn't getting it for a couple of weeks, and he was having a hell of a time coping. He walking past me, and I heard him whispering to himself, "Holy spirit, activate!" When I'm having a bad moment nowadays, I can be heard whispering the same thing. It still gives me a giggle.
Image credits: Ms_Jane_Lennon
#18While subbing 8th grade one kid loudly said to another "Shut up! That's why my dad don't touch your mom no more"
Image credits: Grim__Squeaker
#19“Please look around the ground for crayons that ran away from your desk and disappeared.” - me
“Dang, just like my dad!”
#20It’s my user name story! I created an account just to tell this story.
Little pre-K boy was arguing with an assistant teacher (who shouldn’t have been a teacher for many reasons, one being she was okay arguing with a 4yo). She told the kid something like, “you smell like doo doo.” He responded with, “well you smell like dried lipstick.” And he had just the smuggest look on his face and I died laughing. He won the argument in my book.
But also any adult who argues with a 4yo has already lost because you’re arguing with a 4yo.
#21I teach 7th grade and they are still learning new vocab words and such. One boy told me he ‘had to go to the bathroom very tediuously’
Image credits: Miss-Molly-Lynn
#22convo with a kinder student:
student: you smell like my grandma
me: oh...that's nice
student: she died
first, i just about died trying not to laugh, then i started wondering if i should be worried.
Image credits: maryjaneodoul
#23Two kids with the same first name in one class. One was chronically absent. I’d call his name and the other one would say “maybe he died.” This went on for a few weeks. One day, chronically absent kid shows up and other kid says, just audibly enough for me to hear, “I murdered the wrong one.”
I was ROLLING and no one else in the room new why.
#24I play bass and teach general music. Since I’m teaching my third graders the instrument families right now, I figured I would show them a video of me playing bass. So it was a duet with my Asian male friend, and myself, a Caucasian female wearing a dress in the video. Conversation goes like this:
“OMG! Is that you?”
“Yes, it is!”
I should also note I’m seven months pregnant, so the idea that I look like an Asian man just killed me and I couldn’t stop laughing
#25Teaching 8th grade - I had two really heavy-set boys in this class. They were told to give a presentation on their dream jobs.
The heaviest of the two went first and said verbatim “My dream is to be a famous chef, it is a dream I have with such a fiery passion. Just like Steven’s dream is to swim in a swimming pool…filled with fried chicken.”
I lost it.
#26Student, to me: Miss, do you have a boyfriend?
Me: no I don’t
Student: soooo, does that mean you’re single and ready to Pringle?!
Image credits: thequeenofspace
#27"Chicken wings are a side dish."
Entirely innocuous, but the whole class dropped what they were doing when they heard it, and we proceeded to debate for, legit, 45 minutes.
#28This week a 4th grader said to a classmate, "bro, look at you. You're sweating. That's proof you're doing too much."
A 5th grader: "Home Depot, we have the meats."
And a 3rd grader, explaining why they don't like kiwi: "it has hair... Like a woman."
#293rd grader was running from point a to point b. The way third graders just can’t stop doing. “Friends please slow down, it’s muddy out here today…” as if on cue, the friend with the big body he has yet to grow into falls literally over himself. Body out, mud all over his pants. Not hurt. Just a hot mess. “Friend, are you alright”. Kids looks up. Dead pan. “I hate my life..”. I still laugh (like I did under my mask then ) thinking about it to this day.
#30I have a lot but heres a good one
We were talking about favorite foods one day and this one 9th grader said he loved pickles.
So the other kids in the class started asking him if he liked things like pickled beets, pickled onions, etc...he said yes to every single pickled thing they asked him.
I asked if he'd ever tried pickled cucumbers and he said he didn't know they made those...lost my composure and had to be helped back to my feet after that one
#31These 2 boys were beefing over early morning basketball and one tells me "Apparently I broke his vertebrae, insulted his personal image, and airballed every shot! This is why you don't drink during pregnancy!" Another time 8th grade girls were talking astrology and one boy just shouts "STOP SPEAKING IN MOON RUNES"
#32“Okay kids, fold your paper hotdog style”
“Your mom likes it hotdog style”
That’s a top 10 for me.
Image credits: anon
#33Pre-K'er asked me how old I was. I told her. She said, "Oh my god! That makes me want to die!"
That convo will randomly pop in my head and still makes me laugh out loud!
Image credits: anon
#34A third grader called me a big glob of goo, and then said I was fired and was calling the police. Actually, he screamed all of this at me at the top of his lungs. I still laugh about the glob of goo comment.
Also a kid told me I was “like a rock in his shoe” to mean I was annoying him. I use that one in my own repertoire of insults now
Image credits: madagascarprincess
#35First grader, dead serious eating string cheese: “Excuse me. This cheese tastes like watermelon.”
Image credits: minneolive
#36I worked with a student who had Prader-Willi Syndrome (and the resulting behaviors). He peed on the floor, looked at us and said " TADAAAAAA". I had to walk away to laugh.
#37During a 7th grade math test. Everyone is quiet and one girl starts sneezing. These sneezes are very loud room shakers that scare everyone. She stops for a minute then starts up a few again. In between a few of them I hear her friend next to her whisper "Stop doing that or you're gonna s**t yourself"
I don't know how I kept it together...
Image credits: Orionsteller
#38Small class (4) the other 22 went on a field trip for the advanced kids. Well, wasn’t teaching new content with the large majority of students not there……
The handful of kids wanted to play history hangman…..so, with the students guessing letters and missing over and over and over, one of the girls quickly said, “This is why we ain’t on the field trip!”
I laughed out loud. Told her thank you for making me smile, that was the best joke I heard all year. Gave her candy. Top 5 moment of this year.
#39We were discussing Darwin's Theory of Evolution. I mentioned how most offspring never survive long enough to reproduce.
One of my students raises his hand and says "you mean they all die as virgins?".
Ms. Puzzled_loquat, I just come to school for the change of scenery.
#41Yup. One kid manages to bring up Arby's in every conversation. In a legit funny way.
#42“You so f****n annoying, that’s why your grandma stole from dollar general”
Like what, how does that even make sense. I still laughed